The Unstoppable Inevitability of Mason ‘Money Mase’ Mount

(This article about ‘Money Mase’ is satire.)

Can you believe the temerity of Mason Mount, aka Money Mase, also known as Frank Lampard’s Pet. Coming here, from Portsmouth via a spell out on loan at Vitesse Arnhem (Chelsea B), and Frank Lampard’s Derby County, before establishing himself the first team. Outrageous.

Money Mase when he gets selected.
Exclusive images of Mount reacting to being selected in the team, courtesy of @GhadiT99

Last year, we had to cope with Money Mase taking minutes off iconic club servants Willian and Pedro – clearly like today’s youth he doesn’t have any respect for his elders – as he and some American called Christian something – Paul Is Sick maybe- became the ‘young stars’ of Frank Lampard’s Chelsea.

“Fine, I’ll do it myself.”

Money Mase, probably

This only happened because of Brexit which was the real cause of our transfer ban and meant we missed out on generational talents like Nicolas Pepe, Tsun Dai and Joelinton. In the future, I’m confident a BBC Panorama documentary will find the obvious link between Mason Mount and Brexit.

Personally, I think it’s absolutely outrageous. This is Chelsea Football Club. We can’t be seen to be allowing academy talents to shine, especially when their name sounds a bit like a Cornish hillside. If his name was Mason Van Der Moont, and he had a plethora of YouTube clips, featuring blaring house music by some random artist, zooming in as he nutmegged an amateur player in a cup competition – well then, his minutes on the pitch may have been warranted. Similarly if his name was just Mason and he was Brazilian, he would warrant a chance – although if pressed I could accept Mountinho.

I’d also like to point out Mason Mount is only 80 rated this year on FIFA, thereby ranking him lower than Mesut Ozil. As we all are aware, Ozil gave up his footballing career several years ago to pursue a career streaming on Twitch, and more latterly joining Football Twitter. The fact that Money Mase hasn’t managed to achieve a higher rating than him is quite frankly shameful.

Some people may point to the fact Mason Mount scored on his Chelsea debut in the Premier League. Whilst this is true, the bigger question is why did he not score a hat-trick. That’s the real hallmark of a top player. Additionally, his Premier League goals in the first season were scored against Everton, Wolverhampton Wanderers (twice), Southampton, Norwich City, Leicester City and Aston Villa. Are you noticing a pattern yet?

Money Mase scoring against Leicester City.
Mount scoring on his debut. No teammates celebrate with him because they don’t like him. Image Credit: Darren Walsh/Chelsea FC Via Getty Images.

Yes, that’s correct, Mount only scores against teams with at least 2 different vowels in their name. Outrageous.

Goals aren’t everything though. Being a team player is important. Although I am afraid I have been unable to confirm the rumours that Mount asks Lampard to slide tackle Ziyech, Pulisic, Hudson-Odoi and Havertz in order to ensure he can start every match on the left-wing. I do, however, have some damning evidence against his reputation as a ‘team player’.

For starters, Mount only once picked up more than one assist in a match last season against Leicester. If he really wanted to help, he’d round the goalkeeper and pass it back so someone else could bask in the glory as they tap it into the empty net, storming off with an overblown celebration. Instead, he always chooses to take on the shot – and often has the impudence to score, which no doubt lowers the morale of his teammates.

Mount propaganda is often released by the club.

A lot is made of Money Mase and his workrate, but again, like Sherlock Holmes, I’ve uncovered the truth to unmask the villain. Against Crystal Palace in the Premier League, Mount recorded a total running distance of 0.0km. He may as well have been sat on the bench for the whole match. It’s a good thing Ben Chilwell decided to cover for him by putting on a sterling display on the left-hand side.

The visionary coaching talents of Antonio Conte and Maurizio Sarri. The former probably didn’t even say Ciao to Money Mase before he packed him off to Vitesse Arnhem. He probably had the cunning plan to let him stat-pad for a year before selling him off for a ridiculous inflated figure to Bournemouth – the Liverpool FC youth player tactic – but sadly, he was sacked before he could complete this plan. Mount went to Vitesse and had the temerity to win Player of the Year award for them, proving that he hates Dutch people. After all, if he didn’t, he would have simply rolled over and let one of Vitesse’s own talents take the spotlight.

Money Mase screaming.
Mount’s natural defence mechanism – screeching whenever anyone else comes onto the left-wing. Image Credit: Getty Images.

Back at Chelsea, we appointed a maverick. A genius. Okay, he’d never won a trophy before and relied on Jorginho like a crack addict looking for their next hit. But Sarri was a visionary. He knew that Money Mase could not succeed at Chelsea. Quickly, he searched for a solution.

The opportunity presented itself. Frank Lampard at Derby County. Chelsea’s all-time top goalscorer sold the deal to Mel Morris. It was basically the equivalent of getting a Football Manager wonderkid, he’d win everything, in a year’s time he’d be on the Balon D’Or nominees, Lampard would probably be able to check the ‘Become Unsackable’ option in the settings. Morris naively took the bait and what did Mount do? He scored 13 times and got 10 assists – one of those was a hat-trick. A Championship season is 46 games long. Consequently, we can only conclude that for 26 games, Mount chose to do absolutely nothing positive or constructive. If there is one thing that social media has taught me, it’s that a player cannot have had a good game unless they score or assist.

Sadly tomorrow against FC Krasnodar, I have no doubt that Mason Mount will play. Even if he not on the initial team-sheet, he’ll probably bribe his way into the starting XI, or injure whoever dares to take his left-wing position in the warm-up ‘by accident’. Sadly, he recently signed a new deal until 2024, so my fellow fans, we have to get used to seeing his name on the starting line-up.

If you’ll excuse me, I’m off to edit my ‘Donny Van Der Beek // 2020/21 Skills // Manchester United’s Zidane?’ compilation. Mr Goldbridge is going to love it.

Editor’s Note

I wish I could say this is all satire, but sadly, I’ve seen every single one of these reasons – including the Ozil one! – leveraged as reasons to criticise Mason Mount. He’s a superb prospect, one of our own and has the backing of the club. It shouldn’t be unrealistic to expect the backing of the fans. Get behind him.

Written and Edited by Rob Pratley

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