An Introduction to Christian Paulisick: USMNT Star

Please, please don’t take this article about Christian Paulisick (Closely related to Pulisic) seriously…

The USA is Blue, just like London. But that’s not a surprise. After all, why wouldn’t American fans want to support the Chelsea FC franchise? The only London club with a European Cup – for those of you of the American persuasion, think the MLS Cup but much larger- and America’s biggest star, Christian Paulisick.

Paulisick has impressed in his short career, firstly at Borussia Dortmund. The German club, who have a claim to fame for once having the great Paul Lambert playing for them signed Paulisic from PA Classics for allocation money and the loan of a bald eagle for six months. Before that, Paulisick had an illustrious youth career at Brackley Town – following in the footsteps of players like Paul Mason and Terry Muckelberg.

A lot of fans were surprised when Paulisick was signed during the 2019 Winter Draft. It was widely assumed that the American was being signed to warm the bench in preparation for Willian’s new 3 year deal – in actual fact, Nicholas Pepe has very kindly agreed to fulfil this role at Arsenal instead. As part of the deal, Paulisick was loaned back to Borussia Dortmund until the end of the regular season – he did not feature for Chelsea in the Premier League Playoffs.

Christian Paulisick in action.
A rare moment when Paulisick is fit. Image Credit: Craig Mercer/MB Media/Getty Images.

Naturally, Christian Paulisick was full of dread when Frank Lampard was named Chelsea manager. Lampard comes from a footballing era when the only football in America involved an egg-shaped object, the only Beckham in sport was David, not Odell Jr. and Landon Donovan was the posterboy of international success for the USMNT. On top of all of this, Lampard had already demonstrated that even at the end of his playing career, he was comfortably able to score in MLS. When you reflect on it, it’s surprising how many of these are still true.

But I digress. Paulisic was immediately facing one major issue. He was not named Mason Mount. As we’ve already established in this series, Mason Mount will start every single match for Chelsea as long as Lampard is in charge. If he is suspended, he’ll likely still be in dugout, with Lampard lapping up his tactical advice. Although Paulisick had the exciting, exotic surname that signifies a top player, he ultimately had the first name Christian. A name shared with Benteke, who hasn’t done anything since 2013 – apart from score against Chelsea. Immediately, he was under pressure to succeed.

Despite this, Paulisick had an impressive start to life in the Premier League Soccer. Although Lampard perennially instructed Mount to foul him in the early days in training to ensure he could not play, Paulisic’s quick feet were too much. He impressed against Burnley, scoring three touchdowns to earn the MVP award during the road game at Turf Moor. He then followed this up with a precise alley-oop against Selhurst Park Eagles to secure the win.

Paulisick continued to impress for London Blue Lions, especially during the Summer Premier League Tournament. One memorable moment came against Manchester Citizens, when he drove up the entire pitch in a sensational solo play to put the home side ahead. Paulisick also scored the opening touchdown in the FA Superbowl in August, but unfortunately, Colney Cannon Reds were able to come out with the W.

One thing that is concerning about Paulisick is his injury record. He misses a large number of matches – I personally subscribe to the conspiracy theory that he was responsible for breaking Frank Lampard’s teapot. He has never really recovered from the subsequent outbreak of anger from the former Derby County manager. He also did not choose to sign up early to Obamacare which I also think played a big factor. Finally, he also gets a disproportionate number of fouls from other players because it’s considered an insult to be nutmegged – and even more so by an American.

What does the future hold for Christian Paulisick? There is absolutely no reason why he can’t become the outstanding American player in US history – after all, his only real competition is Tim Howard and that bloke that used to play for Fulham and Spurs – let’s face it, if you only played for them two, you can’t have been anything special.

Christian Paulisick in action in the MLS Summer Cup.
Paulisick in action in the MLS Summer Cup. Image Credit: Getty Images.

But it would be fair to say there is a lot more to come from Christian Paulisick. First he needs to make peace with his manager, and accept the Mount World Order. Only then will his mysterious injuries caused by voodoo subside and he might finally be able to score some more touchdowns for the Blues.

Ridiculous article that makes no sense right? And yet this is the sort of approach people took to Pulisic when he first joined Chelsea – he can’t be good because he is American. Even nowadays, various places – ESPN I am looking at you – peddle stupid conspiracy theories about Pulisic and Frank Lampard not getting on with each other even though everything else points to the other way. He’s a brilliant player and a worthy successor of the No. 10 shirt. Back him.

Written and edited by Rob Pratley

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